Dear East Texas Summer: I Have Some Concerns

(KNUE-FM) Dear East Texas summer, can we talk?

I have concerns about where our relationship is going.

We Need to Talk About East Texas Summer Heat

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Yes, I know we've just begun our yearly journey together. Yes, I know it’s only June, and the temperatures have yet to rise to unbearable levels. Yes, I am utterly grateful to you for the blossoming world your particular weather parameters make possible.

But we know how this story goes. Soon, the cycle that leads to days that feel like living in a series of humid sauna boxes will continue.

Oh, but yes, you are stunning. I look out my window and see the utter glory, and I'm smitten.

When East Texas Summer Looks Beautiful—Then Attacks

Your siren call will beckon me out the door to embrace this advertised beauty I’ve seen through my window. Oh, but then... it will be too late. The humidity pressure will quickly surround me, and I will panic, realizing I left my oxygen mask inside.

READ MORE: Five Changes To Lower Your Texas Electric Bill Right Now

Help.

The wasp minions will have spotted me and they will begin to hover and dart, hover and dart, ever-present as I trod down the driveway to the mailbox “mini-roaster” to get my mail.

Of course, I’ve forgotten my oven mitts, so it’s a series of little grasps, pulls, and gasps before I can rescue the bills and letters, which are noticeably singed in certain places.

Why Your Mailbox Is Now a Mini Oven in Texas

I know—many revel in you, Summer in East Texas. They wait all year and cheer and woot at your arrival.

They can’t wait to put on flip-flops and soak up the sun until little flames start rising from the pools of their sweat. These fire people have my awed respect, with their white teeth smiling broadly from their tanned, glee-filled faces.

How Some People Actually Love This Weather

They attend festivals in the high heat, where hundreds or thousands of other sun worshipers gather together to mill about, brushing slippery shoulders with each other on the way to the beer tents.

Sigh.

I am clearly missing some genes that enable me to put on my own virtual fire suit and smile out of my own tanned face.

Is Summer Really That Intense in East Texas?

They don’t care that huge spiders have spread webs so large that they might actually trap a small dog or that the snakes in East Texas are slithering into a "scalish" frenzy—locking tails, dancing to an exotic victory song, and forming a circle around trapped humanity.

No, no… that’s all fine.

The Spiders, Snakes, and Summer Festival Crowd

Now, don’t get me wrong, Summer in East Texas. We’ve had some marvelous times... like at that water park when I was ten years old? Yeah, those were some beautiful, sun-scorched moments.

But, some grown women tend to avoid water parks because at that point they are compelled to unsheathe themselves to all the world.

And some of us aren’t too fond of that when it involves whipping one’s body through the elements. (Although I love water slides and some beaches, that is a risk I am willing to take.)

The Complicated Truth About Water Parks and Swimsuits

Yes, beaches are also lovely in the summer because they seem to deter the populations of snakes, wasps, and scorpions.

So, I hope you understand. Can we work together here? Can you take it a bit easy on us, cool-weather lovers? Show us more of your best moments.

Can We Have More Twilight Breezes and Fewer Wasps?

Like when you send those warm kisses of a breeze straight from the lips of Zephyr himself as twilight falls.

I wouldn’t mind more of those moments when I swim in a private setting, silently gliding in the evening after the wasp demons have put aside their terrorist duties and subsided for the day. That would be wonderful.

I sincerely appreciate you and the setting you provide for some of the most fun we can have as humans.

Just take it easy?

Blazing Hot Regards,
Tara

P.S. I do like the popsicles and blooming hibiscus. Thank you for that.