Crappy Music Monday: Gnesa – “Wilder”
Welcome to another edition of Crappy Music Monday! A feature where our primary goal is to literally make you rush to hit "stop" on a YouTube video/SoundCloud track, etc. It's pretty much the polar opposite of what we try to do on the radio.
Think of this as a weekly foray into examining the truly WTF world of internet music making. It's proven to be a wildly popular feature on the site and, so, it only makes sense that this week I would feature this:
In a way, I'm cheating with this week's selection.
Gnesa's "Wilder" has well over 5 million views and any connoisseur of crappy music knows that this, um..."song" is over 3 years old. Generally speaking, I try to bring you fresh crap. But this one is special for a number of reasons.
Most importantly, of those 5 million views, most of them are fake. Let's allow Redditor /u/ForgetItJake to explain:
"So I was walking around lower Manhattan today at lunch, killing time before returning to the office. I spot New York Dolls, a strip club near Wall Street, and stop in for a couple of expensive beers. The first girl to approach me was really cute. Long, dark hair, pretty eyes. She introduces herself, and we start the usual bullsh*! flirty conversation, at which I'm fair at best. We talk about Halloween, and then her home country, Hungary. She is called to the stage, and I watch her dance. After her set, we talk some more as she clings to me, SOP. Then she tells me she's a musician, and to look up her video on YouTube. I hand her my phone and she types in a couple of words. When I get back to the office, I check out her video. It's this video. Holy sh*! it sucks. Honestly, she's much more attractive in person, but damn it, I promised to go back and give her an honest appraisal of the song!!"
After the video was originally posted to the subreddit /r/cringe, more details began to emerge of how Gnesa managed to obtain financing for not only the recording session but also this music video. It's doubtful that the details will shock you.
Pretty girl (ForgetItJake notes that she is much more attractive in person), Wall Street strip club, musical aspirations = a few wealthy benefactors with likely ulterior motives: "Maybe if I spend a lot of money on this girl, she'll fall in love with me!"
Typical strip club mentality, let's be honest.
All of this is fine. She, nor her misguided financiers, are hurting anyone, really. Well, come to think of it...my dog does get pretty upset when I play this video...but I digress...
However, in the world of YouTube, there are ways to game the system. Inflating YouTube views can be easily done via Fiverr or any number of websites that will sell genuine views to your video. Note that these fake views are usually generated by bots.
And in this case, that is good to know. After all, imagine the poor, third-world guy who is struggling to feed his family so he takes a temporary gig in a cubicle farm somewhere.
"All I have to do is watch these videos and you'll pay me?"
"Yes."
"And I get 1 cent per minute, right?"
"Exactly."
"OK. I'll do it. Let's just hit play here and....OH MY GOD!!! NO DEAL, MAN! NO. DEAL."
YouTube has struggled for years to combat the problem of inflating views on the site but each and every time they create a new patch to prevent the fraudulent views, some clever programmer comes along and creates a workaround.
So, Gnesa's handlers (I doubt very much Gnesa herself orchestrated this plan) have clearly taken advantage of this. But, wait...there's more!
The video for "Wilder" is one of the rare occasions that I might recommend that you actually read the comments.
Unless you're brand-spanking new to the internet, you know that the YT comment section is a cesspool of stupidity and intellectual discourse that makes 4Chan look like PubMed or the Harvard Law Review. It's a not-so-subtle mix of angsty teenagers, conspiracy theorists, comment trolls and internet marketers.
You can also buy YouTube comments. Using the same websites mentioned above, you can purchase a comment that will read precisely as you have worded it.
So, if you have made a video attempting to, say, sell a new juicer you're marketing, you might purchase a comment that reads: "This is the best damn juicer on the planet and I have purchased 90 of them!"
In Gnesa's case, the comments section is so clearly self-delusional, it hurts:
"This is probably the best song I've ever heard. I was going to end something... but then I heard this and now I can start thinking about how great life is. Thank you <3"
"I think if more people listened to this song the world would be a better place."
"OMG i ve been looking for this song everywhere!! where can i buy it and do you have an album?"
"I've never seen so much talent ! Wow ! I just can't stop listening over and over."
Uh huh.
Look, if you're going to write your own YouTube comments, make them, at least somewhat believable. Perhaps something like this:
"This song is terrible. You're off-key but you may unaware of this becuase you're also having trouble keeping time in any reasonable way. But nice dress @ 2:44!"
Three weeks in and I have discovered the true challenge of writing this column: attempting to share a laugh with you without coming off like a huge cyber-bully. I suppose it's no different than the cringe that used to come along with the failed American Idol auditions. But I'm trying to mindful of that.
In Gnesa's case, though, I'm thinking fair is fair.
I mean the song is terrible. The video is painfully awkward. And the blatant self-promotion is embarrassingly bad. She's kinda asking for it.
But it appears that she (and her marketing team) have learned their lesson. Gnesa hasn't released a new song since.
And, on her Facebook page, she seems genuinely happy alongside her beau, casually visiting Texas Roadhouse for a nice steak dinner. So, all is well that ends well. Let's hope that she settles comfortably into her new life here in the States...and permanently avoids the recording studio and, um...the stripper pole...in the future.