Samuel L. Jackson may not dig on swine, but  – horrible pun alert! – he sure does know how to bring in the bacon.

He is, in fact, the highest grossing movie star of all time, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. Movies with Samuel L. in the cast have taken in $7.4 billion, which is more than the GDP of… some country you never heard of, so let’s just skip that comparison. Jackson is a one-man money making machine. But it goes deeper, as it’s a fact of nature that any movie Jackson appears in, the movie automatically gets better for it. Not that Jackson is the world’s best thespian, but we he shows up, you know the party has arrived. It’s like every time he says “dig it?” an angel gets its wings.

Which has got us thinking … if Jackson makes movies cooler, imagine what he could do in everyday life? Imagine, if you will, you could rent out Samuel L. to help with life’s mundane tasks. Like …



Yeah, it all fun and games when Santa shoots down your chimney, but it would be a lot cooler in mean ol’ Sam Jax came shimmying down. “Merry Christmas, muthableepers. Where’s my damn cookies and milk?”

Doing laundry


You know how sometimes you can be absent-minded, and accidentally put your brand new velvet ruby red smoking jacket in with your collection of tuxedo shirts? Well, that won’t happen again when Samuel L. Jackson shows up, all crazy-eyed and holding a 9mm Star Model B at your head and saying things like, “I don’t care if it’s light purple, it still goes in with the darks, dammit!”

Dermatologist checkup


Worried that mole is looking a little funky? A visit to the dermatologist is in order. And if the good doctor agrees? He’ll say something like, “You know, to be on the safe side, let’s just take it off,” and you’ll quietly nod your head, get a local anesthetic, and the doc will swiftly slice it off. A rather boring affair, all in all. But what if the doctor was actually Samuel L. Jackson? Much cooler, especially Dr. Sam takes off the hairy thing with a smack upside your head.

Doing taxes

samuel l. jackson turbo tax

Sitting down to do your taxes with your accountant is just about the most boring and tedious thing on the planet. That’s why next time we recommend bringing Samuel L. Jackson with you, because when he says “write it off,” believe us, your guy is going to write it off.

Fast Food Visits

samuel l jackson Pulp Fiction

You say, “I asked for no mayo on this,” and the surly cashier at McBurgerJoint takes the burger back, walks to the kitchen, and you see him open up your burger and swipe a knife across the inside of the bun, taking the mayo “off.” What can you do? Grin and bear it. But if you had Samuel L. Jackson with you, and that pimply faced ingrate tried the same thing? Well, you’d still be stuck with remnants of mayo on your burger, but at least you’ll get the satisfaction of watching Jackson shoot the guy in the foot or something.


the break up

Never a pleasant affair, so why not just send Mr. Jackson in your stead? He’d take care of things, one way or another. Or even better: Just borrow one of his Kangol caps. Your girlfriend sees you wearing one of those, she might just go ahead and initiate the breakup herself. Samuel L. Jackson is the only person, living or dead, that can get away with the Kangol. Who will tell him otherwise?

J.D. Stedel is a freelance writer based in New Jersey and is just as bad as Samuel L. Jackson (in his own mind).

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