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The 5 Stages of Farting In Front of Your Girlfriend

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Hanging around with your girlfriend, especially when the relationship is new, often involves an air of mystery hanging above as you both slowly begin to shed the getting-to-know-you mentality and slide in to the phase in which you both start to relax and show your new significant other the ‘true you.’

Sometimes that ‘true you’ involves ripping some loud farts, because even though we all know that we’re human and humans pass gas, farting is one of the icky, embarrassing taboos that we don’t like to let people know we actually do. We just want to keep the facade of being a person that eats and eats and eats and never excretes anything. We want everyone to think we are a rare breed of human whose bodies are so efficient that every last molecule of whatever we put in gets burned and used as fuel.

Of course, none of us are a well-designed fuel machine, which leads to us always going through the same 5 stages in a relationship in which we kindly and subtly introduce our farts to our girlfriends and hope the two get along.

Stage 1: Run Away!

In the early stages of a relationship, as with any moment in life, a fart is bound to pop up. You’ll be hanging out with your girl at home, maybe just lying around on the couch, or maybe you’ll be in a movie theater during a particularly quite point in the film, and you’ll get ‘The Urge.’

‘The Urge’ is that bubbly feeling you get in your guts. It’s that mounting pressure you feel when one is about to squeak out. When The Urge hits in the early stages of a relationship there is only one way to protect yourself and your dignity: run away. Run as far and as fast as you can, which usually means into the next room or the nearest bathroom.

Sure, you can take the risk of dropping a bomb on the spot, but do you really want to take that chance so early? Only if you want to be alone again.

Stage 2: Silence Is Golden

As you get more comfortable in the relationship, you may find yourself taking some risks with your gas. After a while you’ll probably have gained enough confidence to think you can work out a silent toot. You’ll clench your cheeks, get eerily and ominously silent for a few seconds, and you will contract every single muscle in your body in an attempt to muffle it, essentially piling the entire of your musculature and fat reserves on top of your gas to muffle it as much as possible.

After a job well done and a fart well muffled, the only thing left to do is hope it doesn’t have an odor.

Stage 3: The Slip Up

Ultimately, no matter how hard you try you will let a loud one slide out. It will be the most embarrassing moment of your life.

You’ll sneeze and it’ll slap its way out of you.

You’ll squat down to pick up something and it’ll slap its way out of you.

You’ll be in the middle of an intense tickle fight with your girl, she’ll start tickling you in your weak spot, you’ll laugh, and you’ll let one slap out of you.

However it happens, it will slap out of you and you will be paralyzed by fear and embarrassment.  The only thing you’ll be able to do next is…

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