Amazing New Study Says Massaging Breasts Could Prevent Breast Cancer

This must the best news ever for the men of the world. A new study has been released that claims "copping a feel" can help prevent your lover from getting breast cancer. Who knew second base would have such great benefits? 

MSN just released this information, "New research has shown that squeezing breasts could prevent malignant breast cells from causing cancer."

I bet every man just let out a great big, "all right!!" Now, don't think that you can go around "helping" women out. Save it for your own bedroom. I would have never guessed letting a guy get frisky would help prevent cancer. I guess this news makes the "pervy handshake" a little more romantic. You guys have always known you were just trying to save our lives, right?

Gautham Venugopalan, who led the research team that discovered this "handsy" cure, says that it seems a very natural solution. Almost as if it were a no duh situation. He explains that, "applying physical pressure to the cells guided them back to a normal growth pattern."

Very interesting. How did they find this out?

Come on! Get your minds out of the gutter. They just, "The study involved growing malignant breast epithelial cells within a gel injected into flexible silicone chambers. This allowed the scientists to apply compression during the first stages of cell growth, effectively squashing the cells." Throughout more time during the study, it was found that this pressure and sqeezing made the growth more normal.

The end result was explained further by MSN, "Once the breast tissue structure was formed the cells stopped growing, even when the compressive force was removed. Non-compressed cells continued to display the haphazard and uncontrolled growth that leads to cancer."

Well, there you go boys. Go forth and cure cancer! Make your foreplay an effort to save your partner's life.  Let your hands wonder into healthy territory.