While we know the good ole' U.S.A is home to tons of weird people like Prodigy Pat, we've come across a dude in Portland, Ore. who's a straight-up nutcase.

One of the worst possible things that could happen to a guy is getting  kicked in the balls. Actually, a small knee nudge to the groin is enough to damage our goods for a few solid hours — thinking about it is equally painful. Well, hold on to your junk: Brandon James Clifford has been soliciting extra hard kicks in the balls.

We have no idea what the hell would lead this guy down such a dark, dark path, but Clifford has apparently been pretty proactive about the whole thing. The 39-year-old was also convicted in 2001 for trying to get an underage girl to have sex with him at a motel. Eleven years later, he's still creepy.

Clifford has taken to the Craigslist pages of several cities looking for "college-aged women to help him teach self-defense" and specifying soccer players with strong legs would be ideal. Not shady at all, clever man.

Women who actually responded to the ads and met up with Clifford to discuss the logistics of said ball-kicking eventually realized his creepy plans and notified cops.

Clifford is currently getting his kicks somewhere near Portland, so if you're in the vicinity, don't give into any knock-in-the-nuts requests.