Crappy Music Monday: Thrash Queen
Today's expedition into the world of Crappy Music, leads us down one of the strangest rabbit holes in Heavy Metal history. Surprisingly not well-documented on the web, Thrash Queen was a...well, a "band" that, at the time of their debut album's release, was literally thrown to the wolves amongst fans of thrash metal.
Don't misunderstand. With good reason. They were terrible. There is no need to feel sorry for them.
For our younger readers, or perhaps Classic Rock fans than lean more toward melodicrock, a quick rundown of the state of Heavy Metal in early to mid 1980s:
By 1983, Heavy Metal was experiencing an explosive growth and divergence within the genre.
There were the lauded creators of Metal. Bands like Sabbath, Zeppelin, Deep Purple, etc.
Then, there were off-shoots. In the 1970s, Glam/Stomp Metal bands like Alice Cooper, Slade and Kiss brought a pop sensibility to the sound and took their songs to the Top 40.
And, of course, we had the Progressive bands that dabbled in Metal. Rush and Queen might fit into this category of complicated musical arrangements with blistering guitars.
Van Halen combined the two sub-genres into one: virtuoso instrumental work, coupled with a non-stop party live show.
The 'New Wave Of British Heavy Metal' was happening. That brought us bands like Iron Maiden, Saxon and Def Leppard (before they, later, embraced a more commercial sound).
But when Punk happened, an underground scene began to form and, really it all started with Motorhead.
Lemmy Kilmister, a once-member of the Progressive Metal band Hawkwind but raised on the rowdy no-holds-barred garage rock and R&B of the 1960s, loved the fast and furious sound of punk. Thus, Motorhead was born. And they were like the Sex Pistols with Metal cred. They could play fast but (important note) they could also play well.
Thanks to Lemmy and the boys, rockers began to play faster. Metal soon became a game of speed. A sub-culture began to develop that embraced the Punk manifesto of pure anarchy but with tight, metal precision.
This was Thrash Metal.
The bands that we remember today as pioneers of Thrash are Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax and Megadeth.
Now, that you're caught up...let's get to the travesty that was Thrash Queen.
In 1983, in the most Metal town of New Britain, Connecticut, a man named Matt Brooks was in a terrible car accident in which he lost both of his legs.
A lawsuit plus disability allowed Matt, a guitarist in a bar band called Hunter, to come into a moderate amount of money. Rather than socking away the cash or doing something sensible like sinking the money into an investment portfolio, Matt Brooks started a record company.
Landslyde Records was formed.
Noting the success of bands like Metallica and British group Girlschool, Matt decided that the label's first project should be an all-female Thrash band. Because...why not?
He first recruited a friend, Diane "The Princess" Frost, to serve as "vocalist" for the group. In short order, Vikki Stone (Guitar), Nikki Santos (Bass) and JK Johnson (Drums) were also added to the line-up.
Great! Now what?
Matt had a band of all female musicians, none of whom could really play all that well. He had a little bit of money. He had a kick-ass name for the ladies...Thrash Queen. And he had a dream.
But he didn't have any songs.
Who cares? "Put them in the studio and we'll just wing it," must have been the mantra of the day.
Oh, and by "studio", we mean a four track recorder in Matt's basement.
Here was the gloriously crappy result:
In fairness, you can kinda hear what they were trying to do. I'm guessing that it was meant as some sort of Runaways meets Metallica concept?
The album, however, was so poorly recorded and hilariously bad that, upon its eventual release, it became a laughing stock in the Metal underground.
Let's take a look at a few of the reviews for the record:
"This album is sh&t. Complete fu*$ing sh&t. It is the worst thing I've ever heard that has ever been classified as metal."
"In short, do not buy this album. Do not listen to this album. Do not even listen to it ironically for laughs, because it's not funny."
And my personal favorite:
To truly appreciate how legendarily bad this record is, you have to remember that it was released in 1984, decades before YouTube. One found out about something this terrible through 'Zines (print, y'all!) and then someone might include a cut from the album as a "RickRoll" on the latest Metal Mix Tape.
So, the track listing on the cassette might be:
1) Metallica
2) Motorhead
3) Megadeth
4) EXCLUSIVE! NEW SLAYER! (15 year old you fast-forwards only to find that it's actually Thrash Queen) Damnit! hahahalololol!
5) Anthrax
6) Etc.
That kinda thing.
The history of Thrash Queen could end right there and it would be a snicker of a foot-note in the world of Heavy Metal. But wait. There's more!
Inexplicably, Matt Stone was able to secure licensing for this atrocity overseas. A label in Germany, Metal Enterprises, had purchased the rights to release the record. And they did!
German Rock and Metal critics were equally brutal in their reviews and Thrash Queen became a joke in Central Europe also.
Thrash Queen, somewhat humiliated, then broke up and called it day. That should have been the end of things. But nope.
Metal Enterprises is famous for two things. Foremost, releasing albums by Neo-Nazi bands (no...seriously) and also for, some reason, creating a new version of Thrash Queen.
It appears that some skinhead at the label thought that this was a brilliant concept but not properly executed by the Americans.
So, they concluded to form a fake version of Thrash Queen (with all new members) and try it again with equally disastrous results:
As much as it pains me to say it...this is...actually...better.
I mean, it's terrible. But the drum machine is certainly better than the original, real-life drummer for Thrash Queen.
Anyway, as previously mentioned, the album was considered a travesty and the record label just decided to become a neo-Nazi record label instead because that made more sense than releasing another Thrash Queen album.
Women in Rock have always had a really tough time being taken seriously. Thankfully, there have been many successful trailblazers before and since Thrash Queen paving the way to assure that our daughters can rock out whenever they like,
But Thrash Queen set the clock back. Like way, way, way back.
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