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Alone on Valentine’s Day? Throw Yourself a Perfect Pity Party

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Oh, Valentine’s Day, how you ruin so many single people’s lives. The day set aside for cheesy gifts, lots of PDA, and things that come in pairs. Like that sock that didn’t come out of the washer with its match, some people will be all alone on this day. But, don’t let Valentine’s Day get you down. Throw a pity party!

Plenty of people will be watching the picnicing and kissing couples, while they sit alone on a park bench possibly mumbling to themselves about getting a room. What are they suppose to do? Should they stay at home, hidden away from the rest of society only because they haven’t found their “lovey bear” yet?

Bogus! I say, get out there and enjoy V-Day!

Awake on Feb. 14 with a smile on your face, knowing that you chose your time to wake up. People in relationships, especially girls, probably woke up an hour ago so they could “get pretty” before their lover woke up. People with children have been up for hours. Are marriage and kids really worth more than hitting that snooze button until it finally submits to your decision to sleep in?

Get dressed in something you may not regret later in life, like all of those couples dressed like twins on V-Day. Feel safe in knowing you don’t look as silly as they do. But, make sure your clothing choice is not black. You aren’t depressed today, you are celebrating the single life.¬†When you are all dressed, head done and get yourself a mimosa. Alcohol will be an important factor of today for you.

It is a good thing you slept in, because now you can make brunch. After a few of those mimosas and that box of chocolate you bought yourself and ate in one sitting yesterday, you’ll need some toast and eggs. When you are seated alone amongst the crowd of couples, don’t hide behind a newspaper. Feel free to look around at these chirping little love birds with confidence. They may take your smug, “I’ve farted without being afraid if anyone heard it this morning,” look as you staring at them green with jealousy. What they aren’t getting is the freedom you have, that they gave up just to hold hands while they eat hash browns.

Next, head to the mall. While others are spending loads on their loved one, you get to spend twice as much on yourself because you are only buying for one. Don’t run past the jewelry counter to avoid their heart pendants. Buy one. Make sure you engrave it with one of your cats’ names, or all eight of them. Maybe, go into Victoria’s Secret and treat yourself to a new flannel pajama set. All the other girls in the shop will be lost in a fog of lace, thongs, push-up bras, and worries of, “Will he like this?” and “Do I look fat?” You will walk calmly past them scratching and clawing at each other for that last pair of panties with little hearts (in a size honestly too small for all of them years ago) as you leave to get your self an ice-cream sunday with just one spoon.

All of this walking around the mall, you need a rest. Take yourself for a spa day. You will feel far more comfortable than all of those men, dragged there by their wives, in tiny silk robes worried if their masseuse is going to be a guy. Plus, the spa probably has a two for one deal for the day. Since your other half of “buy one, get one free” is just me, you, and I, you can enjoy two massages.

Now that you are relaxed and rejuvenated, it is time to get ready for the evening. Drink that wine you got on Valentine’s Day special while you pick an outfit. Keep in mind that, again, one is not the loneliest number. One is the greediest number. One gets the whole bottle of fermented grape goodness, because one doesn’t have to share. Pick an outfit that you feel comfortable in, not that new pajama set you bought. But, don’t worry with your Spanx and heels, there is no one to hurt and suffocate trying to impress tonight.

Take yourself to that fancy restaurant every couple is dying to go to, but can’t get in. Lucky you, you made a reservation for one a long time ago. Didn’t you? If you want to, you can bring along your laptop for this meal. Hopefully, there will be a great game on that night that you can watch while using the free wifi. You will notice a lot of male traffic around your table as the gentlemen patrons circle trying to catch a glimpse of their team. They will probably be muttering, “Why couldn’t we just watch the game before we left?” Your meal will be fantastic. You won’t have to worry about keeping up an awkward conversation or trying not to say the wrong thing that will land you in the dog house. You can choose whatever you like from the menu because calorie counting is just too much math for you. All of the grinding teeth of the men that just looked at their overpriced bill and the grumbling of the hungry women’s stomachs will be getting a little loud, so it is time to head to the movies.

Don’t be scared to watch a love story at the cinema on Valentine’s Day. It might be the best comedy you see all year. Most of the women in the crowd will be turning to look at their mates, wondering, “Why can’t you write me a hundred love letters I can find on a scavenger hunt when you pass away?” While others are waking up their sleeping lover, borrowing a shirt sleeve to blow their nose, and ooing and ahhing to cute scenes, you will be pouring a little more of that whiskey you snuck in into your jumbo coke from the concession stand.

The whiskey goggles will help you to not compare your love life to Hollywood stories, you can enjoy focus on the absurd plots and one liners in the film. Your neighbors might get a little upset when you laugh at inappropriate times in the movie. But, they are probably just jealous of your Jack and Coke. Or, they feel uncomfortable because you didn’t leave the buffer seat between you and them with lots of open chairs around.

The credits have rolled and your flask is empty. Time to head home. You will fall right asleep with a full belly, good laughs had, new gifts from you to you with love, and no one next to you to hog all the blankets. All in all, it will have been a great day and a fantastic celebration of singledom.

 

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